Every time I think I can pull myself up & start the process of letting you go… You come running, you’re here, don’t get me wrong I love it. But I cant keep starting the process over cause one day I won’t be able to accept you in my life as even my friend & that thought alone scares me to death.
I gave in because I’d always thought you were the kind of guy who never gave up.
I did the walk of shame this morning. I didn’t really mind though because I’m the back of my mind I knew it was going to happen. I could careless because I had a good time.
I’m probably making a mistake… But it feels so good. Yolo
Tonight I’m going out with some girlfriends instead of coming over to see you & possibly get disappointed. It seems silly but I’m proud of myself cause I could have easily said no I have plans to them but I told YOU nvm & I’m going to have some girlie time with some new friends! Although you have promptly invited me to stop by afterwards I’m not sure how I’m supposed to take that & depending on how the night goes ill see if I will. I love you so much but I don’t want to push you away. I really hope we go hiking in the am because I think it would be fun & good way to comfortably talk as friends grow our relationship more which is what we are supposed to be doing I thought. I miss you so dearly & last night I broke down but I feel like I’m so alone in this & it sucks. Maybe you just have more strength than me or you simply just don’t care I’m not sure because when we talked last it was all so rushed and confusing. I love you & always will in some way but if I get played like a game piece than I won’t love you the way I do now & that scares me so unbelievably much!! We’ll see what the night turns into & how tomorrow goes down.
Tomorrow starts my awful weekend but at least I’ll be making big money. 24 hours in two days like why not?
don’t just tell me. Call me, meet up with me, we can catch back up. I’m tired of people telling me, and not doing anything about it.
I ran home from work, showered, curled my hair, did my make up all pretty like, sprayed myself with the perfume you bought me a few christmases ago & topped it off with the valentines day necklace. To be basically ignored, shot down by the end of the night & feeling more stupid than I’ve ever felt before. I think I need to step back for a second here. I’m going to have a glass of water watch friends & sleep. I love you & I’ll keep on fighting until my fingers can’t scratch anymore. As I keep saying, it’ll all be okay I promise. Give it time.